A Most Politically-Incorrect Father's Day
Let's start this one with a beautiful shot of a tulip for dad!
Ok, I've done my duty. Now I'm going to speak the unspeakable in these politically-correct times - I'm going to speak the truth, and I'm even going to admit that we're trying
to sell you something... Here we go... First the raw truth:
In general, guys do NOT want the following for Father's Day:
For all you significant others and offspring out there... You can handle the first two departments, but I'm going to address the latter. (This is where the sales comes in.) Convenience means a lot to a guy. Let me break it down for you using the classic scenario...
It's 4:45pm, Friday afternoon. The work week has been a monster. Bill uses the washroom and (looking in the mirror at his receding hairline) can't help but notice that 10, 20, 30, 40, or more years have gotten between him and his 22nd birthday. At 4:59pm, he's ready to leave when his phone rings. Bill thinks, "Please let it be the officials at the 'Million Dollar/Secret Island Paradise Giveaway Contest'" telling him that he's won the grand prize. It isn't. Instead it's a call to remind him that he needs to stop at the "Local Big Box Wholesale Outlet" to pick up a bag of birdseed. If he wasn't so tired, he'd think, "Oh goody! Expletive! Expletive! Expletive!" But instead, he numbly fights traffic, wanders into the cavernous, labyrinthical membership club and finally stumbles upon the pallet of birdseed. (Who knows what he's buying, how old it is, and who cares... Bill is running on fumes!) And those 50lb bags just sit there staring up at him... Goading him... Making fun of his hairline... But hey! Bill is a champ...He can manhandle one of those bags into submission! Right? Thirty minutes and 5 torn back muscles later, Bill gets into his car and heads for home. Once there, conditions improve when he only tears another three back muscles removing the seed from the trunk of the car. (Who knew that Bill could "out spasm" John Belushi imitating Joe Cocker?) Anyway, once he get's the seed on the ground, he can at least drag it to its storage bin, and then go eat pie. But that ain't gonna happen because Bill has contorted into "Bedroom-Bound Ibuprofen Bill Ready for a Backboard".
Alright... All joking aside, the story above ain't that far off the mark. Buying and transporting birdseed can be a haphazard, rip-snorting pain in the tail section, and we all know it... It is what it is. An eBirdseed.com subscription offers convenient access to a good product with free shipping and great support... Plain and simple... And speaking as a guy who spent years of his youth lugging cracked corn (in 100lb bags no less) to keep our chickens happy, I can tell you in absolutely no uncertain terms that human males (and females for that matter) would consider an eBirdseed.com subscription a wonderful gift. Like I said... It is what it is.
CapeCodAlan
P.S. "Cool and fun" presents include Special Edition Erector Sets and MP3 players.
P.P.S. Rumor has it that another contest is lurking!
In general, guys do NOT want the following for Father's Day:
- Ties, socks, sweaters, slippers, or clothing of any type. ("Earth to significant others! Earth to significant others! When it comes to guys, presents are fun and not worn!")
- Battery-powered, flapping fish that are mounted on plaques
- Books or magazines (Exceptions being text/pictures that involve boats, cars, planes, and... Well... You get the idea.)
- Flowers
- Aftershave
- Those gifts that are hopelessly cool
- Those gifts that are fun beyond words
- Those gifts that are convenient
For all you significant others and offspring out there... You can handle the first two departments, but I'm going to address the latter. (This is where the sales comes in.) Convenience means a lot to a guy. Let me break it down for you using the classic scenario...
It's 4:45pm, Friday afternoon. The work week has been a monster. Bill uses the washroom and (looking in the mirror at his receding hairline) can't help but notice that 10, 20, 30, 40, or more years have gotten between him and his 22nd birthday. At 4:59pm, he's ready to leave when his phone rings. Bill thinks, "Please let it be the officials at the 'Million Dollar/Secret Island Paradise Giveaway Contest'" telling him that he's won the grand prize. It isn't. Instead it's a call to remind him that he needs to stop at the "Local Big Box Wholesale Outlet" to pick up a bag of birdseed. If he wasn't so tired, he'd think, "Oh goody! Expletive! Expletive! Expletive!" But instead, he numbly fights traffic, wanders into the cavernous, labyrinthical membership club and finally stumbles upon the pallet of birdseed. (Who knows what he's buying, how old it is, and who cares... Bill is running on fumes!) And those 50lb bags just sit there staring up at him... Goading him... Making fun of his hairline... But hey! Bill is a champ...He can manhandle one of those bags into submission! Right? Thirty minutes and 5 torn back muscles later, Bill gets into his car and heads for home. Once there, conditions improve when he only tears another three back muscles removing the seed from the trunk of the car. (Who knew that Bill could "out spasm" John Belushi imitating Joe Cocker?) Anyway, once he get's the seed on the ground, he can at least drag it to its storage bin, and then go eat pie. But that ain't gonna happen because Bill has contorted into "Bedroom-Bound Ibuprofen Bill Ready for a Backboard".
Alright... All joking aside, the story above ain't that far off the mark. Buying and transporting birdseed can be a haphazard, rip-snorting pain in the tail section, and we all know it... It is what it is. An eBirdseed.com subscription offers convenient access to a good product with free shipping and great support... Plain and simple... And speaking as a guy who spent years of his youth lugging cracked corn (in 100lb bags no less) to keep our chickens happy, I can tell you in absolutely no uncertain terms that human males (and females for that matter) would consider an eBirdseed.com subscription a wonderful gift. Like I said... It is what it is.
CapeCodAlan
P.S. "Cool and fun" presents include Special Edition Erector Sets and MP3 players.
P.P.S. Rumor has it that another contest is lurking!
