The scene was that of a 1950's police interrogation room - a dark cramped space with no windows, a single hanging light bulb only partly sheltered within a cheap tin shade, a set of cold metal chairs with a matching cold steel table. In that awkward, stark little smoke-filled arena sat the two seasoned combatants - Gotham's police detective Don, and Gomez "The Gut" Squirrel. And so the conversation went:
Don: "Gomez, don't you ever get tired of this? Don't you ever get tired of stealing seed and getting caught red pawed?"
Gomez: "Caught red pawed, schmaught red pawed! You coppers ain't got nothin' on me and you know it." (With that, "The Gut" leaned back, took a long draw off his unfiltered Camel coffin nail, squinted, then pointedly jabbed a silent exclamation mark with his foot. The half-naked light bulb undulated ever so slightly.)
Detective Don pondered his smug adversary for just a bit, then stood, left the room, and immediately returned with a manila folder. There was silence. Gomez fidgeted a bit and the interrogation went on.
Gomez: "Whatcha got there Don? Your third-grade homework assignment?"
Don: "No, I've got evidence!"
The detective slammed down the first bit of proof of the crime - the picture below.
"The Gut" went silent and then stammered out a weak excuse: "That snap don't prove nothin! All I was doin was collecting the seed so that the birds could eat it better... see?"
Almost instantly, the tension was as thick as the smoke, and Gomez ground out his cigarette in rage.
Don: "Is there anything that you want to say, because I've got one more picture?"
There really was no place for words... The next picture spoke volumes.
"The Gut" slumped in his chair, defeated, girth everywhere.
Gomez: "Who was it that squeaked? Who turned me in? Was it 'Sammy Seeds'"?
Gomez: "Was it 'Three-Toed Louis'"?
Gomez: "'Chippy Chips The Cross-Eyed Roughian'"?
Don: "No... No... No... It was your old pal, 'Lefty Lafayette'".
Gomez "The Gut": "Ohhh dag nab it... I should have known it would be him!" Once he gets a snoot full of peanuts, he'll sell his own grandmother for just one stinkin' sunflower seed."
Don: "Look... What are we going to do with you? You're a poster rodent for the cause of recidivism. You simply can't stay away from the birdseed."
The question seemed to linger in the air forever, but finally Gomez "The Gut" Squirrel threw out an idea: "Suppose you set up a separate feeder for just us four-legged reprobates? In trade, if you do that, we'll leave the birds alone, act as a warning system for predators, and you can yell at us to boot."
Detective Don paused, almost began to speak, then paused again, and finally proffered a gruff: "Yeah, OK... Just get out of here."
As Gomez left he turned to see a slight smile on Don's face.
See you gumshoes by the feeders,
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